


Oswald the Goat herder

by ParrisRatLord173



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Crack and Angst, Goat herder AU, M/M, My First Work, Os is a goat herder don't question it, Oswald has Goats
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-16
Updated: 2019-03-23
Packaged: 2019-11-18 22:28:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18127301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ParrisRatLord173/pseuds/ParrisRatLord173
Summary: Today marked the second year since Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot packed up his bags, left his empire and all the enemies he had created, and simply left Gotham behind.Who from his past will he find at his door?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> "Im going to pack up my bags and move to Iceland to become a reclusive goat herder" AU, but Gotham.
> 
> (Don't ask why Oswald i saw it in a fic somewhere.)

Today marked the second year since Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot packed up his bags, left his empire and all the enemies he had created, and simply left Gotham behind.

It had been a decision building up over literal years, how and when and where was the only remaining questions. His limp inhibited many job opportunities, but he decided he wanted to live in the most remote place possible. The last thing he did before leaving was asking the last henchman to leave a lovely little letter written in his neatest cursive on the desk of one Jim Gordon.

“Dear James, My old friend

I am afraid this has been a long time coming but there seemed no one better to announce my departure too, I’ve taken many of my savings, sold all my property and empire and left Gotham. Don’t try to find me, I won’t be coming back. So long old friend I do hope Gotham treats you better than it has I.

Yours,  
Oswald Cobblepot.”

Oswald had moved to Iceland and became a goat herder,

A strange job, obviously something people would have joked about however never truly considered. Especially for a man with a thing for extravagant three-piece suits and overwhelming hygiene and makeup. Not to mention a physical ailment as his.

Oswald sighed and rubbed his eyes, stretching his body on the shitty bed. It was today that marked the day wasn’t it? He never regretted the choice however much his leg hurt, or the cold got to him. It wasn’t like he didn’t have more than enough money to live his life in luxury, enemies be damned. 

Despite this, he still kept appearances up. Just for himself, he still liked to look nice even if no one but goats saw him up close. He shaved, dressed in dress shirts and even when he was feeling particularly cheerful put on makeup. Most of all he was still very hygienic.

Oswald wanted to be far away as possible from his past, from everyone. He kept in contact with his boy, Martin, but other than weekly to monthly letters he hadn’t spoken to anyone in all that time. Apart from his goats, named after his past acquaintances from Gotham.

“Eddie, shut the fuck up.” 

The goat made hideous noises from out the window, he had named this little shit after a patch of fur vaguely shaped like a question mark. Not that he’d ever admit to liking his enemy’s signature branding, but it definitely suited him. Not to mention what this particular goat is like.

Yet again one of the smaller goats had snuck in through the glass-less window and was munching on the rug in the middle of the room.

“Selina no!” Oswald bolted out of bed and grabbed ahold of the little goat, one of the youngest in the herd. “I thought I blocked that window? You’re a clever little goat.” Oswald groaned as the goat bleated at him, he was never safe from the herd, but he did genuinely care for them. He grabbed her and put her safely back outside, he looked drearily out at the mountain side by his home.

Oswald saw his neighbor in the distance when he walked outside and was blasted by a flash of cold air. She lived a very long way away from him, but he could see her if he tried, sometimes they got close enough to nod at each other. The only reason they hadn’t talked was a language barrier.

Today was off, he could tell already. The goats were all situated in their little pen area with covering and flimsy wooden fencing, but Oswald knew something was off.

There was someone else here.

There had to be, he definitely heard noise earlier but didn’t pay it much mind. God the peace and quiet had made him much less paranoid and it showed. If it was a good thing or otherwise remained to be seen as he quickly ran through all the possible escape routes and hidden guns in his mind.

He quickly hobbled back inside to put on some more respectable clothes. Also to find aforementioned weapons. Then upon finding that somehow Selina had snuck inside again picked the little goat up and walked back, acting nonchalant. 

He came face to face with someone he thought, even hoped, to never see again.

“Oswald?” Jim Gordon asked looking mildly scared and very, very confused.

“What the fuck.” Oswald stated and the goat in his arms seemed to second his claim as it bleated at the stranger. 

“Where-wha-Why’re you in Iceland? It took me years to find you. Nygma too, we’ve been looking for you and want to know why you left! Gotham was in shambles.” Jim went on a rant, but Oswald had zoned out.

Not only Jim Gordon but Edward Nygma wanted to find him? They worked together? Nothing made sense anymore, so he ignored Jim and went to put down Selina with the rest of them, Eddie the goat was making a scene and tried to eat Barbara the goat again. Oswald went and gently bopped him with his stick and lent back heavily on it trying to work out what to do.

Jim followed him around, seemingly more livid than before. “Oswald are you even listening to me? What the hell.” Jim growled and Oswald spun to face him.

“Jim, I haven’t had human contact in, say, two years? Forgive me if you are one of the last people I wish to see, let alone speak with.” Oswald’s voice had changed, maybe it was all the baby talk to goats or the accents around Iceland, but he sounded different none the less. It showed on Jim’s face, the fear and concern and pure confusion. Although at the moment he covered it up with anger it was clear he missed Oswald to some extent. Why else would he be here?

“Nygma is here too Os, we needed to find you. He got ahold of Martin and after two years of questions he finally relented and told us where you were. We got here as fast as possible and you barely even acknowledge us?” Jim got out.

That was why Martin wrote an apology letter out of the blue then. He hadn’t heard from the boy for a week or so now, so Martin hadn’t had time to explain all this.

“Sorry Detective I don’t exactly take guests anymore, please leave.” Oswald said simply before opening the pen and closing it before Jim could get in. Trapping Oswald in with his goats who swarmed to him expecting food.

Jim looked in what seemed to be mild horror and fascination as Oswald cooed to his goats and patted them all. 

Edward-goddamn-Nygma appeared behind Jim and looked just as perplexed. 

“Oswald?” He questioned, he didn’t even need to say anymore as Oswald looked up from patting Fish and rolled his eyes and almost face palmed. 

“Ed, you still look like a radioactive grasshopper.” Oswald said monotone, Ed huffed and waved a hand at Oswald. 

“Yeah, and you look… Surprisingly okay for someone who’s lived here, for two years.” He said and smoothed down his aforementioned vibrant green suit.

“Did you two seriously work together to find me? What did you think you had to gain, I clearly didn’t want to be found?” Oswald stated. Ed and Jim looked at each other in shock, they must’ve expected Oswald to be grateful of welcoming or something other than a reclusive goat herder in Iceland.

“Oswald, what the ever-loving fuck are you doing in Iceland?” Ed asked.

“What the ever-loving fuck are you doing on my property? I can set my goats on you if you wish.” Oswald gestured at them with his stick threateningly. Ed put his hands up in surrender while Jim put them on his hips.

“Come on Oz, that’s just childish. Can we at least talk? We took all this time to find you I think we deserve that much.” Jim bargained. Oswald sighed and aggressively pet Fish the goat’s head and she bleated at him, confused. He looked the goat dead in the eyes and made his choice. With a resigned look he nodded at the two men and led them back inside.

Jim and Ed judged his tiny home accordingly, and fairly, before settling down in his only two chairs while Oswald sat on his bed. It had only a few rooms and it was pretty standard for the remote area here. There was electricity but only minimal and Oswald hadn’t exactly gone all out in furniture. As already proven one of the windows didn’t even have glass.

Selina was back in the room again and Oswald grabbed her and was half tempted to shove her back through the window but thought against it. It was no use trying to put her back it seemed, although this was a relatively new hobby for the tiny goat it looked like nothing, he tried would impede her path. Just like the original then.

“What did you want with me? Ed wants to finish what he started and kill me, and Jim wants me to pay for my crimes then?” Oswald sighed, he had guns nearby and definitely wasn’t afraid to use them. He hadn’t, in a long time, but ah well.

“Oswald, I don’t want to kill you I missed you-” Edward began but Jim cut him off. “We missed you Os. We got so used to your presence in Gotham its sudden departure was a shock. Fuck, I even teamed up with him to find you.” Jim sighed looking distraught. 

Oswald raised both eyebrows at this, they missed him? Really? Great excuse for all the time they had when he was there, when they either ignored him or treated him like shit. 

“Well, I’m happier and more peaceful out here than I have ever been in Gotham. Did you know I haven’t heard a gunshot in two years?”

“Please, Os, we need you back. I need you back. After your letter I didn’t know how to react, at first it was joy because the biggest pain in my ass was gone but then.” Jim stopped looking at Ed and they shared a look like only they knew what it meant, something had clearly come to light or happened in the past two years that Oswald could only hope to guess. Something between them, an understanding of sorts.

It hit Oswald like a sack of potatoes that what the two enemies had bonded over was him, they were here because for once in his life they finally both wanted and needed him. He once had feelings for both of the men sitting in front of him, at different times. But god only knows if they remained for either. It had been so long, and they had gone through so much. Seeing them here though, knowing that these two idiots, who hated each other, had worked together just to find him and bring him home. Was enough to spark a warm feeling of content inside him.

Oswald sighed, they weren’t going to leave no matter how hard he tried. Of course, he was always aware that his time here would come to an end, unfortunately it was inevitable, but he’d hoped for longer. He’d miss his goats, perhaps finally he’d talk to the neighbor to hand them over.

“I hate you both, I hope you know that.” Oswald stood up still holding Selina. Jim and Ed shared a hopeful glance, 

“So, you’re, going to come back to us?”

“Yes, unfortunately.” 

Before Oswald could appropriately put down the poor goat or prepare himself in anyway Ed surged forward and hugged him tightly in a bear hug. Selina the goat made a pained and shocked noise that mirrored Oswald’s own reaction his enemy’s affection.

Jim let out a breathless laugh that filled the room and for once Oswald saw all the tension drip from him, like the mere thought of Oswald returning cured his stress.

“I better not regret this, Assholes.” Oswald muttered into Ed’s shoulder.


	2. More antics

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More goat discussion, Oswald has a gay panic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wasn't expecting to continue this but here we are.

“Oswald, what the hell have you been doing for the past half hour?” Jim had came out the house to lean on the fence of Oswald’s goat pen. He had been watching Oswald for a while ever since waiting inside with Ed became too much for his wavering patience for the man.

“What I have been doing almost everyday for the past two years. Jim.” Oswald spat from a few hundred feet away, he had been doing his daily rounds with his goats. By the time Jim and Ed arrived it was still particularly early and so he figured he should do as he always did. Promise to return with them be damned.

“I hope you realise that i’m not leaving today, I have things to sort out before that happens.” Oswald squinted at Jim and saw his face fall, seriously what had that man been thinking. Edward was inside his house playing with Selina, or maybe hiding from Selina, Ed didn’t seem too fond of his goats. 

He returned his thoughts to Jim who really had not thought this plan through it seemed, no matter that he had two years to do so. “Where will we stay?” Jim called out looking concerned. 

“You really should’ve thought of that before you came detective.” Oswald rolled his eyes, “You and the green bean can stay with me for the night. I need to work out how I can bring my goats with me. Also giving my land over to my neighbour, and packing all my belongings, sorting out my passport-” Oswald began listing all the things he had to do, by proxy pointing out all the flaws in Jim’s plan. He was cut off when Jim called out, a bit louder than before.

“Wait you’re really going to bring all the goats? What the hell Oswald there's no room for like twenty goats in Gotham!”

“The goats come with me or i’m not coming at all.” Oswald threatened crouching down to hug the first goat he came by, which happened to be the one he named Ivy, she was one of the more docile less annoying goats and while she didn’t have much of a reason to be named after her name sake like some of the others, Oswald definitely liked her.

Oswald loved all his goats, some of them were annoying as hell or very problematic, but he wanted them all nearby either way. He guessed they were kind of like all of the people they were named after in that respect, he missed them, even the ones he still considered enemies in a strange twist of fate. Everything was normal, even if it was hell. He’d never regret moving here but in a way he was glad they found him. No matter how much it pissed him off to no end currently.

Edward rushed outside Selina attached to the back of his emerald green pants and running after him. “Oswald what the fuck is wrong with your goats?” He screeched trying ineffectually to get the poor little goat off.

Jim burst out laughing and Oswald did the same, He speed walked over to free Selina from Edward’s screaming panic. 

“You haven’t met the others yet.” Oswald had a shark like grin.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Selina is nothing compared to the others. Eddie the goat is much worse, he tried to eat Barbara’s ear off just this morning.”

From the look of utter confusion and concerned Oswald realised he hadn’t actually told the two men he had named the goats after various people from Gotham.

“Oh, the goats are named after people.” Oswald muttered to them.

“Wait you named the shittest goat you have, after me?” 

Ed looked shocked, and horrified. It made Oswald laugh, “You forget that you were definitely the biggest pain in my ass back in Gotham Ed. I’d say it’s quite fitting.”

Jim looked desperate to inquire about his own goat, but Oswald answered before he could ask. 

“No Jim, you don’t have a goat,” Oswald answered, “But Selina, Fish, Edward, Barbara, Harvey, Zsasz and a fair few others do.” 

Jim frowned, “Why don’t I have a goat then?”

“You have this boy.” Oswald whistled, loud enough that Edward covered his ears and Jim winced. 

A bark sounded from the house and a large golden retriever bounded out to greet Oswald, tongue wagging and looking very excited.

“He’s a herding dog.” Oswald grinned crouching down to give the happy dog a pat.

“Let me get this straight, you named a shitty angry goat after me and a golden retriever after Jim?” Edward looked extraordinary offended at this point. Oswald burst out laughing as the dog licked his face and barked excitedly. 

“Yes, I did. I figured Gotham’s golden boy should have something literally golden named after him after all.” Oswald said sarcastically, Jim was blushing deeply at the idea Oswald named a dog after him while everyone else got a goat. Ed was fuming like a child who had just been told they weren’t special.

“I’m sorry if i didn’t name a dog after you too Ed.” 

Now Ed looked more embarrassed than mad. It was extremely cute not that Oswald would ever admit it. 

“I’ve done my rounds now, Jim knows what to do anyway.” He scrubbed the dog’s face lovingly and the dog panted at him, Oswald whistled and Jim the dog ran off to round up some goats. Oswald smiled after the dog before turning back to the two men in front of him.

They both looked shocked at Oswald’s new life, it seemed neither had expected him to talk or do anything about Gotham after he left because of his note. 

“You know you haven’t told me yet how you ended up working together for all this.” Oswald started conversationally.

Jim blanched, Ed went red. They looked at each other nervously before Jim began.

“He kidnapped me demanding to know where the fuck you went about a month after you gave me the letter, I was curious too by then but i’d like to point out that was a bit overboard.” Jim said, Ed gasped.

“Excuse you! I asked around before resorting to that.” Ed exclaimed. Oswald shot Ed a warning glare and asked Jim to continue.

“After sharing the letter, he kept bugging me about it. At this point I was very sick of his whining, I don’t think he had anyone else to whine to.” Jim started teasing Ed who was bright red. 

“Gotham was really affected by you leaving Oswald, your empire was in shambles and still is. We need you to bring order again.” Jim added.

“Trust me I don’t regret leaving, only that I had a plan in place.”

Jim nodded looking dejected, he quickly went back to taking the piss out of Ed. “Originally his excuse was he didn’t get his revenge but eventually he whined about missing you too. So I finally agreed to help him find you. Also he was offended you didn’t leave him a letter as well.” Jim finished, Ed tried to interject many times throughout his story but didn’t get a chance and was left looking ruby red in embarrassment.

“To start off. He was whining too, it wasn’t just me. Secondly, why didn’t you leave me a letter? I was your worst enemy surely I deserved some sign off.”

“I have no idea where you live at this point Ed. Also if you were in fact my worst enemy why would I risk leaving you a goodbye letter?”

“It’s polite!” Ed whined and suddenly Oswald understood Jim’s pain.

“We both missed you Oswald, we just wanted you to come back to Gotham. For whatever reason we had.” Jim muttered the last part.

Oswald groaned internally that he had any kind of feelings regarding the men who continued to toy with him like this. They just missed him? It felt wonderful to know that but the idea that the both felt that way and never showed it when he was actually around was painful. Were they ashamed of it?

This is what he gets for falling for his ex best friend and his hero from long ago, although his feelings for the latter had faded with time and betrayal so had his for Ed. It all rushed back to him the moment they stepped back into his life and probably stronger and with more hope than ever before honestly. Knowing they worked together and that they missed him was more than he would have ever hoped before.

“Let's go back inside, Jim will come back inside after.” Oswald sighed letting himself out the pen as the dog finished up herding Oswald’s goats.

“It’s going to get confused that your dog is called Jim you know.” Ed muttered. “I’ll call the human one James then.” Oswald stated, he was not changing any of his animal’s names no matter how much the humans begged.

They walked together in silence as Oswald led them to the house, they settled back down this time all three on Oswald’s bed, the only big piece of furniture in the house. 

Huh, he finally had them in his bed, not in the way he would’ve liked but ah well, Oswald would take what he can get. 

“So, tomorrow then?” Ed asked hopefully, Oswald fell down so he was lying down on the bed with his legs hanging off the edge, it wasn’t a flattering position but it was comfortable. Jim barked outside and quickly came running in and onto the bed smothering Oswald and frightening the hell out of the other two.

“Yes Edward.” Oswald replied before showering his dog in affection.

“How did we not see your dog before anyway? We were in the house for quite a while.” Jim spoke up, Jim the dog had settled on Oswald’s chest and was happily licking himself.

“He either lurks in or under my bed, today was under I guess. I’ve woken up more than once to dog fur in my face and it’s not pleasant.” 

“I see,” Edward says subtly glaring at the dog, Edward had scooted to the edge of the bed as far away from Jim the dog as possible. On the other hand Jim had chosen to lay down on the bed next to him and patted the dog calmly. Edward watched them still glaring for a while before huffing and also laying down.

Oswald smiled to himself

“Where are we going to sleep anyway?” Ed spoke up after a long bout of silence. Jim rolled over so he was facing Oswald instead of the ceiling. Oswald had nowhere for them actually to sleep, his options were share a bed with them or force them to sleep on the floor.

“Well, you could sleep on the floor.” Oswald joked, Ed looked scared that he would actually make them.

“Oswald no.” Jim cried dramatically, Jim the dog barked in agreement and scrambled off Oswald’s chest. Oswald made an oof noise as he trampled Oswald in the process.

“I’m kidding, I wouldn’t force that. I’ve been forced to sleep on the floor before and I would not recommend it.” Oswald laughed.

“I do have nowhere you can sleep, the only suitable thing is my bed and i’m sure you’d loath to share that.” Oswald grinned at them in turn, they both blushed which was immensely satisfying.

“I wouldn’t be adverse.” Ed mumbled almost so quiet Oswald couldn’t hear him. 

“Same.”

Oswald’s eyes widened and his heart threatened to beat out of his chest, he would not survive the night he was sure of it. Oswald sat bolt upright startling the men next to him. “Well, I guess that settles it. I’ve still got to pack everything though so you better be prepared to help.” He got off the bed and got out his bags.

They were going to be the death of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one more chapter after this, probably ending with the trio leaving together and something gay.


	3. Goodbye Goat farm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Packing, talking about goats, maybe a little crying and many gay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter, hope y'all enjoy ;))

Oswald forced Edward and Jim to help him pack for the majority of the day, he carefully avoided any weird trinkets after Edward had managed to find out he kept the little origami penguin he had made him in Arkham all those years ago and almost cried. He had a mild fear Jim would do something similar with one of his personal possessions so he banished them to it.

“Oswald how the hell did you manage to fit so many things in such a small house,” Ed called from under a pile or various clothing from his Gotham days. Oswald laughed seeing Ed covered in his old suits, Jim was packing his blankets and linen in the other room with the help of Jim the dog. They had both been whining about having to help pack for Oswald, they had planned for Oswald to come back but they didn’t think about the implications. 

“Why do you even have so many blankets? You live alone!” Jim called and Jim barked in agreement, Oswald hid a smile at the sight of the two, Jim and his dog looked adorable together both excited little puppies.

“Stop complaining you two or I won’t come back at all, I have to make a few calls.” Oswald waved his phone in the air to signal to shut up to the others. He had to sort out his return, he still owned property in Gotham and sorted out paperwork sometimes when he was bored. The iceberg lounge, while not publically known, was still his through an obscure branch. He never planned to return but it was a steady source of income and he liked to be prepared for the worst. 

He had written a letter to Martin telling of his plan to return earlier that day, he had to let his boy know of course. He was the only one in Gotham who wasn’t currently in the house that didn’t know and that he gave a shit about. He also gave his new address so they could keep writing. Martin had a new foster family, they weren’t ideal and Oswald would adopt Martin in a heartbeat but he knew he wouldn't be the best case for a parent.

Oswald snapped back and tried to pay attention to the man on the other end of the phone as he continued the plans. 

“Oswald,” Jim walked up behind when he had finished the call. Oswald turned to face him and Jim took a breath before continuing, it had been some time and he knew he had a lot to catch up on, nothing really prepared him for Jim’s little speech. 

“There's a new vigilante, in Gotham. Ed’s met him, he goes by Batman. He came in the first year after you left and there's been a drop in crime since. But he’s also highly illegal and dangerous, I know you Os and he’ll go after you. I needed to warn you. Be careful, Ed’s already gotten hurt and I can’t bear to see you hurt too.” Jim murmured the last part so quiet Oswald nearly didn’t hear. A Batman? Seriously? 

“No need to worry Jim, I plan on being at least to the outside world a legitimate man. He’ll have no reason to bother me, and with me back Edward should be safer. No one crosses me, James. I appreciate the concern.” 

Jim smiled and Oswald’s heart lit up, Ed was still sitting legs spread like a child on the floor sorting through clothes and pouted at the two. “Hey! I can look after myself asshole! I’m the riddler!” He called out petulantly, Oswald scoffed and Jim snorted at his childishness. 

“Sure baby.” Oswald joked turning, crouching down and winking at Edward who went bright red. Jim laughed again. He decided that flirting with Ed was his new favourite pass time if he reacted like this every time it was going to be a great endeavour. Maybe it’ll annoy him enough he’ll finally leave me alone, Oswald thought.

Jim laughed as Oswald got back up and went back to packing, Ed continued pouting and was now glaring at the clothes he carefully packed. When he had gone through everything but boxers Oswald kicked him out and gave him a new job. Sorting out goat transportation.

Throughout the day Selina was back inside and was being ‘helpful’ around the house. Jim the dog had to stop her from chewing through one of the human’s carefully folded blankets. In the break Ed even let her sit in his lap, almost consuming his vibrant jacket too before tossing her off with a frightened bleat on her part. 

Edward had gotten bored eventually and went to look at the goats, he didn’t dare go in out of whatever goat phobia he was harbouring and eventually spotted poor Eddie the goat and began uselessly death glaring him. Eddie the goat was still currently trying to consume poor Babara ineffectually. Fish, Ivy, Tabitha, Gertrude and a bunch of the other female goats were lurking in the corner when Oswald joined him and had a conversation about each of their names. 

“The little shit next to Eddie? That's detective Bullock, and Jerome is next to him. Those are my three most annoying goats. Jerome even managed to escape one time and I thought he died, that's how I named him. Coming back from the dead seems to be that vile man’s thing.” Oswald spoke quietly and he knew Edward was listening, they both sat out there for quite some time with Oswald telling stories about his goats and all he had done in the past two years.

In turn, Ed shared some of his most devious schemes and even his time trying to find Oswald. His realisations of regret and fear when he realised he had left and seeking Jim for help. He admitted the last part quietly and afraid as if admitting he cared made him weaker, that Oswald would be disgusted and hateful. Oswald placed his hand in Ed’s and began rubbing circles over the knuckles. 

When Ed’s hand tightened and the first tears fell Oswald couldn’t bear it anymore and pulled his best friend and enemy into a tight embrace letting Ed’s tears soak his jacket. He held Ed tightly and quietly letting out a steady stream of “It’ll be okay darling,” and quite shhhs. It took Ed longer than he was proud of to calm down enough to stop crying. Eyes were red and he looked a mess, Oswald wiped them away with his thumb and smiled at Ed, who let out a choked laugh and sniffed a little more. 

“I’m coming home, Ed. It’s okay.” He said leaning into Ed’s chest as Ed let out his last remaining sniffs and sobs. 

“Let’s go inside” Ed’s voice was wrecked as he spoke, cracked to high hell and still heartbreakingly sad. Oswald grasped his hand again as they walked back down the path two the house.

Jim was laying face down on the bed with Jim the dog on top of him, they were both gently snoring and Ed let out a giggle at the sight and Oswald tapped him to shut him up. How could he disturb the two after all?

Oswald and Edward made them all dinner like it was a practised routine. They had no idea they could work so well together for something so domestic. Oswald had forgotten about Ed’s master chef skills and that he knew what they both loved to eat. They were almost silent, even humming a tune in time together while chopping, frying and cooking in harmony. 

Jim entered the kitchen about five minutes before they had finished, sleepy and bleary-eyed rubbing his eyes and yawning. He looked adorable if Oswald did say so. “Whatcha making?” He mumbled. “Goulash, Oswald’s mum’s recipe,” Edward replied. Jim came over and rested his head on Oswald’s shoulder like it was normal and Oswald felt complete. 

He hadn’t had a more calming or happy day in years, maybe since he and Ed were mayor and chief of staff, even then it wasn’t perfect. Jim wasn’t around. 

They ate dinner asking normal questions about their days even though they had spent it together. Jim half interrogated Oswald about what had happened in the mountains with his goats and the story of Jim the dog.

Oswald had told them excitedly about how he found Jim in rescue and fell in love with the little, then a puppy, at first sight, and adopted him on the spot. Jim and Edward, in turn, shared stories of Gotham, how Jim had become commissioner and Barbara Gordon, his little girl at home. She was staying with her Mum when he had come up to Iceland for Oswald and Jim wasn’t seeing anyone. More stories about Edward living as the Riddler and spreading terror, mostly for the poor and mysterious Batman, who Ed was trying to find the identity of. Surprisingly Jim tolerated the stories of crime and even supported Ed trying to find the hero’s identity.

Oswald was in truth, more excited to return than ever before, he forgot about his mild anxieties about the whole sharing a bed until they had finished their late dinner and Edward wanted to sleep immediately and demanded the other two joined him. Jim rolled his eyes and started stripping down to undergarments much to Oswald’s embarrassment and shock since Ed did the same. Was this normal for them? Oswald had definitely missed something regarding the two if this was normal.

Jim, now dressed in an undershirt and boxers walked over to Oswald’s bed and rolled over to the furthest side. Oswald stood mouth open as Ed pulled off his pants so he was in a similar state. 

“I uh,” He said awkwardly. “Did I miss something with the two of you?” He blurted out. Ed looked straight at him as if suddenly realising he was there. “Oh.” He said simply, “Yeah, you did.” He blushed bright red, Jim who was still in bed, rolled over to face them with the same colour on his cheeks. 

“Sorry, Os I guess we didn’t exactly say anything.” He pulled up the covered as he spoke so it was just his head poking out. Edward sat on the bed and gestured for Oswald to join him. Ed took in a deep breath before point blank he said, “Oswald we both have feelings for you of the non-platonic kind.” Jim coughed very loudly before continuing for Ed before Oswald could freak out more than he was already beginning to.

“Edward was in love with you for a long time and wasn’t able to tell you after whatever happened between you two happened, he was afraid you no longer felt the same and was desperate to hide his own feelings. I, on the other hand, have had feelings for you since you started popping up in my life all the time. I repressed them a lot since you’re a criminal but, I don’t really have a choice but to say it now. I only realised how much I needed you when you were gone for good.” Jim ranted very quickly, It was hard for Oswald to take it all in.

Especially since they were both mostly naked in his bed to boot. “So you uh, are together, to deal with it?” Oswald said awkwardly, trying not to address his own feelings. Ed went even redder and looked down while Jim nodded awkwardly. Jim had sat up in the process and now Oswald felt severely overdressed if a bit self-conscious. 

Oswald finally nodded awkwardly putting his hands in his lap. They were now in a very tense silent phase where Oswald was contemplating his options, he cursed his own emotions for the two men in front of him and how easily he found himself forgiving them for everything they’d ever done to him. How could they come out of the blue and confess like that? He would’ve done anything for them and they only decide they need him when he tries to leave? 

Most importantly, they were together? He assumed for physical comfort mostly but they were bonded, like that, over him? Jesus this was a lot. He needed to go outside but he felt like leaving them would only make it worse. He should’ve done something, he should’ve revealed his own feelings, but did he really want to? 

“I um.” Oswald began quietly. He felt both of them snap towards him but he refused to look up, he couldn’t look at them just yet. Ed was right, he was a slave to his emotions, but maybe it’d do some good this time.

“I do, I do love you both. Still.” He squeaked very quietly. He heard a sharp intake of breath and before he knew it he was being smothered by Edward Nygma and showered in little kisses, he heard Jim let out a breathless laugh behind Ed and was taken back to less than a day before when he agreed to return home.

They would make this work, Oswald knew they had to. He couldn’t leave either one of them if he wanted to. Finally, Edward kissed his lips sweetly and he swore one of them was crying, it was his first kiss but he knew it wasn’t his last. When they pulled apart Ed’s eyes were shining and he was smiling brighter than he had ever seen.

Jim crawled over and Oswald sat up and gave him a gentle kiss too which Jim returned than more passion than anticipated. He pulled them both into a hug and let out a sigh of happiness. 

“So baby, can you join us in bed now?” Jim murmured Oswald giggled and nodded. He let them go and stood up, he felt uncomfortable with both of them watching but he supposed he’d get used to it. He went down to pants and shirt before he started blushing and Edward stood up when he froze. “Hey, we can help if you want? We’re not going to make you do anything you don’t want to Os.” He said pressing himself behind Oswald and curling his hands under Oswald’s shirt slowly pulling it up. Oswald almost curled in on himself but let his shirt be taken off before instinctively covering himself with his arms, he wasn’t wearing an undershirt underneath and definitely didn’t like the way he looked without a shirt. He didn’t think they would either but Ed was peppering little kisses on his neck still pressed behind him and he heard the bed move with Jim coming over too. 

“We’re just going to sleep Os, you don’t have to be embarrassed, you’re beautiful” Jim gave Oswald a little kiss, rubbing their noses together and unbuttoning his pants as he did so. Oswald was just in boxers by the time the three of them went over to the bed.

Jim the dog had been casually laying down in the kitchen but pattered back in, upon seeing the three of them settling down. Instead of being reasonable and curling under the bed he joined them at their feet curling up with a quite goodnight bark. 

Oswald was pressed between Edward and Jim, little spoon to Jim and with Edward facing him and both their arms around him and legs a tangled mess beneath. It was a little too warm and a little too tight but he couldn’t have asked for a better night sleep than he got that night. Sleepy, ecstatic, and happier than he thought he’d ever been, he fell asleep with the men he loved beside him.

The next morning Three men, around twenty goats and one golden retriever left a farm in Iceland to return to Gotham together. Whatever happened from then on was uncertain but Oswald felt safer than he ever had before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can pretend there was something spicy there between Jim, Os and Ed if you want. Sorry, I couldn't decide between Nygmobblepot and Gobblepot I love them both. Riddlegordon is a bit funky but I'll accept it for this. 
> 
> Hope you liked my weird crack story! Thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work ever posted so its hell itself, i was prompted this as a dare don't ask questions.


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